I think I'm a lot like you…
I have been a big shot with a high salary and a great title, living a life that others dream of and that in very young years. However I never seemed to be able to really progress to the next level. Achieving the things that I wanted to achieve always seemed out of reach, I never felt really good enough, though I did my work with efficiency and confidence in the core of it all has always lingered this uneasy feeling of being a phony, undeserving of the success and barely making it through, knowing that it should feel more natural, not so stagnant.
Since I can remember I always hoped to be rescued from this emptiness, this disconnectedness that seemed to surround me wherever I went. I yearned for some guidance, a roadmap, a blueprint whatever you want to call it to not feel so inadequate, so insignificant no matter what I achieve or do and having such low self-esteem.
It has always felt as if I am standing right in front of a door and when I would be able to go through this door then I would see the things in my life yearly. I would know what to do, where to go and who to be. All my struggles with obtaining the success I envisioned for my life were solved and would feel full of purpose and passion, filled with drive and clarity.
I feared that nothing I do would ever be good enough, nothing would ever matter, which is funny as I have achieved a great many things in my life that others dream of.
But even being a high ranking executive at a large corporation with a fancy title and a ridiculous salary even when I just started out never felt as though I deserved it, the success that I wanted for my life never seemed to be available for me.
As I have always been keen on self development and personal growth I knew that I am not where I needed to be in order to become the person that I was meant to be, also I did not know where to even start.
Doing a course here and watching a webinar there was a good distraction and gave me a few good tips on how to develop myself ,sure, but the door to my salvation still remained just outside my reach.
Meanwhile I was nearing the end of 20 and I was more miserable than ever before. I had the job, I had the money, I had great friends and very loving girlfriends who all have been loving and devoted, I FELT LIKE SHIT!
This can't be it, how can I not feel like that, I want to feel good about myself, I want to feel confident in my abilities, and don't be afraid of my life not changing! These were my daily thoughts that kept me company.
To cope with all my inner beliefs of not being good enough, not being able to really make it in life and being unable to change with life just being a struggle, I self medicated heavily, drinking and drugs and that daily by still maintaining the busy 24/7 lifestyle of an executive… Needless to say that no relationship lasted long and that I looked like a rolling stone in their glory days more dead than alive being a medical mystery.
Thanks to my adventurous nature I eventually got to a point where it was either get out or have something really bad happening, I decided to get out. I had no idea what to do, where to do it and who would be able to help me but I quit my job, I left my apartment, said goodbye to my friend and left the country that I was living in throughout my entire 20s.
It took me several more months of drifting and searching, surely having a good time but not really getting anywhere besides exotic places and sandy beaches.
After a good year of traveling and spending almost all my savings I found myself in a small town a few hours out of paris with 60 euros to my name, exactly enough to buy me a ticket to my childhood hometown, a pülace I swore I would never ever live in again.
Here I was, sick from travel, broke and even more aimless than before. After sending out a couple of cvs I found myself working in a backpacker hostel in Berlin, me the top shot executive changing sheets and trash cans!
Strangely I have been very content, it felt right to be there. Saving up money and flying down to Australia to visit a friend and work at the beach that was my plan…
Or so I thought. Now that I have all the time in the world to just do nothing between my shifts but reading and strolling through Germany's capital I have picked up my interest for self development again especially when it comes to the human mind. That was when I heard of Marisa Peer again and her method to directly access the subconscious mind and work with its limiting beliefs. Though it has not been something I never heard before this was something that just clicked right away. After I received my first session I immediately fell in love with it. It felt like something opened in me that just was aching to come to the surface , memories of early childhood, of things long consciously forgotten but always present. It dawned on me what was missing in my life, the door now seemed to not be so far away anymore, I could feel the handle on the tip on my finger.
It was as if all the hardship and struggle, all the grim thoughts and the desperation brought me to where I needed to be. At first I did not have a clear plan but I knew I needed to learn this beautiful way of helping the people overcome their programming. As soon as I had accumulated the money needed for the study fee I got to work.
Since then I spend countless hours emerging into the subject of the mind, and of the self. I have received many sessions to rid myself of so many issues that laid beneath the conscious preventing me from doing the things that I wanted to do in the way I wished to do them.
I have started to be confident in myself and my life's mission, I stopped denying myself success and started to welcome it into my life, I turned low self-esteem into raging confidence. Where I've seen hindrance before I now see opportunity, and the door that I could never reach now opened itself up to a highway of chance and possibility.
I Am telling you all that because I know how it is to have it all but to feel miserable at the same time, to be ashamed to even think like that while countless others don't even come close to that. The fact is that the most successful businessmen can be struggling with their beliefs feeling conflicted, not whole, looking for a way to close the gap and feel at peace with themselves.
I had to suffer until I could not any longer, that was what was needed for me to find my way to become a Rapid Transformational Therapist (by Marisa Peer) and to now help people who struggle with fears of success and wealth to reach their next level to truly be able to make an impact, without having to take as long as I did.